I’ve gotten a few messages from w
omen who feel a need for sexual submission, but don’t know how to tell their partners. (They are all, like me, women in serious relationships with men, so this post is going to be tilted in that direction, though I hope it will help others as well.) I can give some simple advice, but I don’t know what exactly will work with your partner, because I don’t know him or your relationship.
I got lucky with K. When I discovered that I’m sexually submissive, he was surprised and happy, and started telling me about his desires for dominance. Through all the years we’d been together, he hadn’t told me he was dominant because he worried it would scare me.
Even so, there have been times when I’ve felt embarrassed while asking K for something. Asking a man to do the things that will allow you to yield control can be tough. If he gets uncomfortable when you bring up anything sexual, I can see how it would be impossibly tough.
If you can’t talk to your partner about what you need, you won’t get it. However, if you can’t talk to your partner about what you need, the last thing you should do is bring BDSM into your relationship, in my opinion. BDSM can build trust and openness, but if the foundation isn’t there, you could end up in a very nasty place.
If you are comfortable talking with your partner about sex, but are hesitating over BDSM because you fear his reaction, then I do have one tip for you: don’t act like this is something scary. Being submissive is a great thing you’ve discovered about yourself, and it’s an opportunity to create closeness and satisfaction between you and your partner. Beyond that, you know best how to bring this up, because you know yourself and you know him.
I’ve gotten some ideas from people on how to start:
MacArthurBug: Writing it (what you want) down first and reading it aloud least you jump at them all “Hey! Flog me!”
ready4teasing: I remember picking out a book of different sexual practices with my Gf & highlighting the areas we wanted to try. I found it easiest by also asking questions & finding out what she wanted as well. That way it makes discussing fantasies easier.
Saraid: show them porn – it’s what I did. I found it easier being like, “see that? I think that’s hot.”
You can also point out some erotic stories you like (here’s one of mine), or even write one yourself.
Once you have broached the subject, you can start going through details. First, create safewords. This is vital and will allow you to push boundaries more safely. A “stoplight” system works well, with “yellow” meaning “we need to slow down or pause and talk about something” and “red” meaning “stop everything right now.” You can use any words you like for “yellow” and “red”, and create your own gradations; just make sure you’ll remember them easily, even when you’re confused and endorphins are coursing through your system.
Second, talk about your specific desires. What does each of you want most, what are you willing to do, and what are you not willing to do? There are pre-made “Yes/No/Maybe” lists online that are fun to fill out and compare with your partner. My favorite is at Soul’s Haven, here. There are also lists you can print out, like this one.
Finally, don’t be ashamed of your desires. Wanting to be submissive sexually does not mean you’re weak. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you and you want to be abused. It doesn’t mean you think you “deserve” to be harmed, or that you can’t make your own decisions. It doesn’t make you a bad feminist. There are plenty of submissive men and dominant women in the world, and lots of people who want to both dominate and submit as well. It’s no more shameful than, for example, being a lesbian, having red hair, or loving chocolate. This is who you are.
If you have any questions, feel free to post them here or e-mail me. Also feel free to link your partner to this post as a jumping-off point. And if you have any advice for how to broach the topic of BDSM with your partner, please post or link to it here as well!
The advice I give folks is to give a specific example of what you would like to incorporate as opposed to using terms like “Bdsm” or “submissive” or “S&M” which many people have preconceived notions about and do not adequately describe the depth of interest. So, for instance, “what do you think about spanking me?” may be easier for a partner to understand that “I think I’m submissive.”
Thanks adriana, that’s a great point.